I don’t belong here.

The Twilight Phenomenon (and why they are terrible [okay, mediocre to be fair])

Alright, so this is basically a rant about what is essentially this, only inverted.

Okay, so obviously there has been a lot of Facebook hate from me over the Twilight “films”. Now, let me set the record straight on my immense hatred of this film.

It actually begins with other films. Cliches are cliches for a reason, of course. They have adapted well to the story telling medium. Films have so effectively used these that they have become stalwarts in the film industry. Guy gets girl, happiness is had, so on and so forth. In fact, I am entirely convinced that not one movie in the industry truly ends on a sad note. Maybe the lead character didn’t get what he wanted, but that means someone else did within the means of that universe. Donnie Darko being the exception. Perhaps the sister got what she wanted, but according to the (non-canon) sequel even she didn’t truly get what she wanted.

So, that brings us to Twilight. A film propelled by the cliche. So much so I want to rename it, aptly, Cliche: Cliche Moon- The Clichening. Overusage of diction however is not where I’m headed with this. Allow me to continue…

What has happened is that a certain level of mediocrity has instilled itself into our films. If Twilight didn’t run the paces, and be generally mediocre I might actually like it. For example, a real life teenage vampire will most likely not be this guy:

But more likely this guy:

Okay, I get it. you are a 13 year old girl (or a 21 year old girl with a 13 year old girl mindset) and you want to believe that vampires are these graceful, romantic beings. And certainly they are in some universes. The only one that comes to mind is a table top RPG (which seriously, who wants to, like, hang out with those nerds, OH MY GAWD).

Here is the deal though. Some us like vampires because they are grim, sociopathic cretins whom are shunned by society…not Hollywood darlings. Like us… not you.

MLIA

Me: Quick question, is Eric dead?

Steve: Uh, no?

Me: Okay, good

Steve: nvm I just asked him, and he said yes

…

Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

Keep checking in for when I get some inspiration.

Rubbers: A Game of Dexterity and Fortitude

So, as you can imagine working in a warehouse at H.H. Gregg is quite the uneventful job. In spite of this one of the warehouse guys, and myself made a simple game involving rubber bands, and trying to lasso them around objects in the warehouse. We decided to lay down some ground rules, and here they are:

+25 if around the American flag

+7 for thumb tack. +15 for Upper Red Thumb Tacks

+3 and a quarter for hitting a rubber band around the flag

+ 2 for random coolness

-2 for striking opponent

+30 for severely damaged property

+100 if knocked off rafters to flag

-5 for knocking shit over

-30 for severe damage to opponent

Rubber band must be shot not thrown

No tunrs- free for all although most rubber bands goe to the last point maker by default

Opponent is not liable for severe injury to other opponent although suspension may occur if a formal, written apology is not instated

Cursing and jokes at each others mothers expense is tolerable and encouraged

If a rubber band is caught on a rebound (hits the wall, and bounces back) a 2 point raise will occur, but if an opponent catches the rubber band of a rebound a +3 point raise will occur for them.

If a player takes his or her lunch break mid game it is understood that the game will be postponed until opponent returns. Practice shots during this break will not be tolerated, and may lead to suspension

If the player yells the name of the game after getting a rubber band on a flag a 2 and three quarters point increase will occur

If the player sings Bob Dylan after a thumb tack shot a 5 point increase will occur

If the robot is danced by the winner post-game a point deduction of 15 points will occur

-15 if a salesmen is struck

If a manager is hit it is a loss by default

clocking out is an automatic forfeit unless otherwise agreed upon by the panel of judges

If a numbero n the phone is dialed a 20 point increase occurs

If a saleman calls warehouse to do a roll out the person who first picks up the phone gains 5 points. However, if the other warehouse player does the actual roll out a 5 point decrease occurs on the player who answered the phone

-50 for triggering fire alarm

IF a royal flush (sinking the rubber band without rebounding it on the wall) occurs a 75 and one quarter point increase occurs.

If a player loses with a negative score he must do the next 6 roll outs unless two warehouse players are required

Helmets, shin guards, and mouth pieces are required

Cheating is punishable by death

There are no refs, rules are at the players discretion

Moving shots (rolling on a chair, or walking while shooting) adds 10 points to the respect shot point value. However, it will subtract 10 points on a penalty shot

+700 for knocking down that stupid post card our manager put up

Overtime: If tying at the end of the game overtime is initiate. Overtime allows each player one rubber band. If they can lasso the American flag it is worth 1000 points. If not, it is declared a tie.

Jeopardy: If one player is obliterating the other Jeopardy is initiated. Jeopardy works like overtime except in order to take a shot the losing player will have to correctly answer a trivia question posed by the winning player(Double Jeopardy is at the winning players discretion)

Each player is required a theme song introduction

+10 points for naming the song and artist of the other players introduction song

+15 points if a rubber band lands on the pen used to create the rules

The first to reach 1000 points wins

The loser must declare “I lost the game” verbally

Gambling on matches is encouraged, but the players may not bet on the matches due to corruption

A brief timeout may occur once every two quarters. Half-time length is determined by players willingness to continue playing.

No stabbing!

If you take a liberal arts class within a year of the match, you are eligible for a 20 point handicap, but paperwork must be filed with the Muncie City Hall no sooner than 24 hours prior to the match

Fouls will consist of faulty shots (fingers slipped, not enough power, etc.) but competent shots that miss are not fouls

If District Manager Larry is hit, your job is forfeit

If a perosnal (body to body) foul occurs the affected opponent may make a free throw with 3 times the normal point value. He may also use a machete on his opponent.

No machines may launch rubber bands, only hands.

Machetes are only to be used during a physical foul period

If player damages light bulb +30 points

And those are the rules to rubbers!

Edit: This is my 20th post. Yay!

Hollywood “Anti”-Heroes and my obsession with them.

I suppose like most heterosexual men of the 15-25 age range I like “badasses” in film and literature.

I grew up on the likes of Die Hard, Taxi Driver, and Desperado.

However, I’ve come to notice I like a different kind of badass in my film and literature. You see, some people like anti-heroes like The Punisher, or Travis Bickle for doing the right thing their own way. Some people like the traditional Campbell(the author, not the Bruce)-esque hero who just fights for justice.

I like heroes who do morally objectionable things in a positive light. A league below an anti-hero. Heroes who aren’t understood. Heroes who are loners. To unwillingly do something right, as if it were subconsciously implanted. Divine if you will.

I suppose for a prime example I’d have to reference the Showtime series Dexter. Mainly because it is my favorite TV show that is still on the air (bring Jericho back, you motherfuckers!). Dexter is a Miami PD forensics blood spatter investigator with a slight “problem”. He moonlights as one of the most brutal serial killers in Miami.

Now, Dexter’s affliction is morally wrong at first glance. However, what if I told you Dexter only kills people who deserve it? Criminals, pedophiles, rapists, and so forth. You may be turning towards his dark side a little bit. However, what if I told you that he has nothing but sheer abandon for fellow humans, good or bad. He hates all people, and will never allow anyone to get close. He even slips and kills an innocent man at some point, but with little regard to whether it was morally objectionable or not.

Is he still a hero? Do his actions as an anti-hero outweigh his mentally insane inner conundrum?

These things intrigue me. That is not to say I will become serial killer tomorrow, but I do idolize these imperfections. When people do good unwittingly.

It shows that deep down, no matter our afflictions, we do what is right.

That is the kind of hero I want to be.

In which our hero dies (pt. 2.5)

While dying, and the realization that someone of my particular age range is so comfortable with the idea of death taking me at any moment I must leave  a positive note.

Those who aren’t ready for death can never truly live life. I am ready. I am leaf prepared to fall, but not quite so sure when fall will arrive.

I am more alive in acceptance of death than I will ever be in pity of life.

In Which Our Hero Dies(pt. 2)

Death is an interesting thing. It’s inspired poets, musicians, and general artists alike. It’s the crux of a number of different ceremonies (based on religion, race, and so on). One fact remains throughout all of it though: People are scared to die.

Not me.

I’ve come to accept death at a remarkably young age. I’m surrounded by it, and it’s fuel for my inimitable dark humor. In the literal sense I’ve encountered a lot of friends, and family pass (mostly in my younger years). In the figurative sense I find myself picking out subjects in every day life and really questioning as to whether those subjects are in a living state.

We don’t cherish every leaf that falls to the ground in its brown, lifeless state. I view us as a society as a series of leaves. We form a “community tree” in which we are trapped in a pseudo-limbo with others based on location, and interests. Some of us fall to the ground, yet the community remains unshaken. Always forgiven, but never forgotten.

This isn’t to say I don’t have regrets. I’m not depressed, and I’m not “emo”. These things are mostly left up to the unfortunate societal view of those casting the blame. I would never kill myself, because in a sense that isn’t accepting death, it’s just giving in to it. There are many things I have left to do, but the more I realize the futility of the ceremonious human dance that is to fall in love, and have a family the more I realize that death is, in a sense, a respite from the drudges of every day life I’m not particularly interested in.

So there is always the corporeal sense of death. The tradition so to speak. One passing, and leaving ones body. This is just life. What goes unnoticed is the spiritual sense of death, and more importantly why I accept both the corporeal and spiritual sense. Walking down my road I see people using their poisonous drug of choice. This is spiritual death. I see a father yelling at his son as discipline and this is spiritual death. I see a girl who got married too early, and is not happy. And this… this is spiritual death.

We are all dead. We are taught not to act so, but we are.

So in that sense I’m ready…because I’m already half way there. Will leaving my corporeal body make the wind blow the leaves in a different direction? No. People will die before me, and people will die after me.

I am just another leaf in a community.
So, some will call it desperation, some will call it depression. They are sad, and dead.

But most importantly, they aren’t ready.

Biased news

One of the key complaints about the news is that it frequently follows some sort of uniform bias. People flock and mock particular stations and other outlets evading the irony that is indeed considered “bias.” What is considered bias, and to what end do we determine if a station is biased or not?

The recent Obama inauguration may be the perfect example of bias in news, or is it? To get an idea of the general picture president Obama recently addressed school children about following their hopes and dreams. So where does the bias come in effect? As is often the case the ever teetering polarity of politics allowed for some interesting feedback. Particular groups found it inspiring, while others found it appalling.

To fully grasp whether the bias in news outlets is pure myth or a subtle art form one needs to analyze different scenarios and outlets. In this case, The Indy Star, and CNN news. The Indy Star ,for example, curiously focused on many negative quotations. While not obviously bias a person reading between the lines may find issue with this. Many of the interviewees for the Indy Star stated things such as “…exposing to my children” thus illiciting a negative image. However, Indy Star does its best to not show bias.

On the other side, CNN comes out of the gate positively with its headline “Obama urges students to work hard, stay in school.” with a strapline of “There is no excuse for not trying.” Obama says. CNN is known for leaning a little more left than its fellow news outlets. However, once again the bias is fairly well kept to themselves. CNN also focused more on the speech itself rather than the reaction by upset parents. The few reactionary comments certainly did illicit a more positive tone however.

So is the news bias? Yes, it is. Does it matter? Not in particular. It is a miniscule effort, and it gives personality to the news. This is what makes news in fact news. People need to stop mocking news for being biased and embrace it. No one has ever said you should be tied to one news outlet. Fair and balanced is an amalgamation of multiple journalistic efforts. So what determines if news is fair and balanced? The reader does.

Update 9/14/09:

This post sucks. It was my first journalism assignment and if you can believe it I was about to go over my max of two pages… so I cut out a lot. I’m sorry for wasting your time and life, but I’ll make it up shortly with a good post. Perhaps even pictures are in store.

-The Mgmt

Best

Statement: *Insert anything here* is the best ever!!

Oh really?!

Today I was talking with a coworker about pet peeves. He discussed how he hated it when people who are a few feet away from the cart pens at Wal-Mart throw their carts the opposite direction often spending more time and effort than what it would have been to just put it in its correct place. While humorous this is an admittedly weak bridge into my argument:

We all have sat around talking about music, movies, and general lifestyle preference and choices when someone pulls out the cliche card of “It’s the best ever.” This is my pet peeve, and like most things that bother me I find it beneficial to write about.

However, in this particular scenario it is not a music, movie, or cart that is causing the issue. A game rather. A single video game titled Halo 3. While the center of my argument is not about reviewing the game, but rather reviewing the people who play it.

For those not initiated in the way of the video game, Halo 3 is a huge title in the gaming universe. You may have even heard of it… thus signifying the broad appeal that gaming has had on our community as a whole (though that is an entirely different argument altogether). A particular friend states that Halo 3 is indeed the “best game ever.” It’s so impressive to know that in my lifetime such a thing exists. Should I kiss its feet? Should I bow down and obey its every whim? Should I like for the mere fact that my roommates opinion is inexorable.

Well no. No I shouldn’t. Precisely why should I not though? The key word here being opinion. You see, my roommate believes that “best ever” is an opinion which is rightfully obtained and shared throughout the end user (i.e.: the one who so opines) thus making its existence as an opinion truth. He does not believe in the world of ultimatums. Just simply believing it is the best ever amongst yourself makes it “the best ever” despite the conflicting opinions. A noble effort most assuredly, but forgoing the irony of the bigger picture here, an effort that is wrong.

The United States, despite what anyone may tell you, is not yet a communist empire. You see, just willing an object of your affection the “best ever” certainly does not make it so. Personal subjectivity turns to an onslaught of displaced objectivity quite quickly. On paper it’s downright absurd.

So by purely educational means I’d like to define “best ever” as simply something that is unanimously agreed upon as exceptional comparable to others in its class, breed, and gender. While a game such as Halo 3 is certainly most of those things, it misses the key piece of the puzzle…the word unanimous.

In the event that the word unanimous doesn’t mean anything to you, allow me to define it:

“Of one mind; agreed”

Now, lets elaborate on what exactly this means. For anything to be considered the “best ever” it must be agreed upon by everyone. That is every (as in all) one (as in a single sentient being).

To fully achieve this would break the political and mental ties that makes America…well, America. To break this would be Totalitarian, and inevitably cause sheer anarchy.

And really… is Halo 3 that good?

Edit: I don’t think the communists have an empire…more like a union.

But hey, whatever.